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IT'S EASY TO BELIEVE that crystal meth addicts -- tweakers -- are hopeless cases. Methamphetamine has taken on the role once played by heroin, and later by crack, in the public imagination -- a drug so deeply destructive and addictive that there is no chance of release from its grip. But addicts and the rest of society are making a big mistake. What I know after more than 11 years of being clean and sober is this: Addiction is addiction, and addiction can be overcome. The more unique I believed I was as a meth addict, the less likely my recovery. When I was convinced that crystal meth was a drug like no other, that its damage was irretrievable, I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although crystal is the most dramatic aspect of my story as an addict, I used assorted drugs and alcohol for more than 20 years before I found meth. After a lonely childhood in Iowa and a disastrous run in New York, I found myself sitting paralyzed in a Hollywood rental, strung out on meth, hallucinating that robbers were breaking in to steal my last few possessions. Out front, the car I had driven west from New York sat with a huge gash in its side from the previous night's hit-and-run accident. In short, I was tweaked. I realize now that I went further over the edge using crystal than other drugs because I glorified it, because everyone glorified it. The very things that are horrifying about crystal meth to a normal person are alluring to a self-destructive addict. That it is made from outrageously toxic substances added to its outlaw appeal. Staying up for three or four days seemed like a door to a magical universe. And the compulsive behavior turned normal life into something unimaginably boring. I saw crystal as the ultimate act of rebellion instead of the mundane dead end that it is. The media's meth fascination ("Meth mouth!" "Crystal epidemic!" "America's most dangerous drug!" scream the reports) makes it easier to believe the super-drug myth. And crystal use does, in fact, have some unique consequences. Dr. Paul Thompson, a researcher at UCLA, describes the effect of chronic meth use as "a forest fire of brain damage." In a recent UCLA study, the brains of meth addicts were found to have lost 8% to 11% of the brain tissue needed to make and retain new memories. (I have a difficult time with my memory, but, on the bright side, the world seems new to me every day. I keep lists. I stay organized.) Some of the other horror stories of meth addiction are true as well. It often triggers intense paranoia and bizarre behavior. I spent a considerable sum buying motion detectors, certain that intruders lurked outside my windows. This belief was cemented when a neighborhood cat sauntered through my garden, setting off the screaming sirens. But that paranoia faded for me, as it does for others who stay sober. I had to hit bottom before I started attending 12-step meetings. It was a relief, but even so, I believed myself to be irretrievably damaged. Had the alcoholics I sat with in meetings really fallen as far as I had? I was sober, but I still romanticized crystal's destructive power. Gradually, my pose as a rebellious outsider lost its allure in the face of the fulfillment that sober alcoholics, potheads and junkies were creating together. That was the beginning of real recovery. When I began writing a memoir, I took a job as a counselor at Van Ness Recovery House in Hollywood. A year and a half later, it affords me the opportunity to remind myself of the patterns of addiction. I see that crystal meth addicts have a very difficult time staying sober, not only because of the physical and mental damage inflicted by the drug but because they revel in the idea that they are "the worst of the worst." But in reality, we are the same as the next addict in the circle -- arrogant, manipulative liars with huge egos and no self-esteem. On the flip side, when we recover, we all embrace the same solutions, the same principles: surrender, honesty, responsibility, humility, willingness, forgiveness and service. For meth addicts, there is finally hope when we stop thinking of ourselves as different and realize, instead, that we are nothing special. |
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