November 21, 2006 - Chicago Maroon (IL Edu) OpEd: A War On Two Fronts By Gabriel Grossman

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In recent weeks, it has come to my attention that the Pentagon is drastically changing its strategy in the war on terror and the war on drugs. Apparently, the Pentagon seems to be consolidating the two.

The current policy regarding both wars is an apparent failure. The war on terror relies on drawing out the war, straining the armed forces, leaving the army weak and striving for more forces.

The situation has become hopeless enough that a draft has been proposed by a leading Democratic congressman, and will likely be voted upon come January. (You're off to a great start, guys.)

The war on drugs, similarly, is just as inefficient. It is based on the false premise that drugs can be wiped out, that by raiding one meth lab at a time, one pot dealer at a time, the drugs will slowly but surely be weeded out of our near-perfect society.

The focal point of this shocking discovery lies in a recent article published by the beacon of hope in our heathen society: Fox News. The article's title is self-explanatory: "Taliban Smoked Out of Pot Forest: Troops Burn Towering Afghan Pot Forest, Get Goofy." (see below)

This could potentially become the most daring foreign policy decisions of the Bush administration. It is just so ridiculous it could possibly work. The logic is there, as are undoubtedly the skeptics.

The plan is based on the idea that by burning enemies' pot forests, both the war on terror and the war on drugs can meet a grandiose-and goofy-conclusion. The strategy works as follows:

First, burning marijuana forests would handicap the growers, and it would discourage other growers.

Second, those in the vicinity of the burning pot forests would be susceptible to the toxic fumes of the plants, creating a large atmosphere of goofiness.

Third, the enemies, after breathing in so much marijuana smoke, would lose the will to fight and, if anything, would get a raving appetite. Time to export Olive Garden.

Fourth, it is common for those under the influence of marijuana to become more carefree, friendlier. Assuming that this is true, the terrorists and the soldiers would, even after getting goofy, possibly even get along.

Just as the Allies and the Axis Powers shared Christmas peacefully in December of 1914, the terrorists and coalition soldiers could share a bag of Funyuns, or whatever it is they have to quench the munchies over there.

This can work-given the right timing, the right planning, and the right marijuana, the Pentagon can hit two birds with one stone. If anything, it would be more effective than the current policies.

October 15, 2006 - Fox News (US)

Taliban Smoked Out Of Pot Forest

Troops Burn Towering Afghan Pot Forest, Get Goofy

Note to self: when fighting militants in a giant forest made of pot, it's best not to try to burn the place down (unless you've got time to make a run for some munchies, that is).

Canadian troops in Afghanistan found this out the hard way.

Reuters reports the troops were fighting Taliban militants when they were met with a greener, more potent enemy: a 10-foot-tall marijuana forest.

The Taliban fighters were using the dense thicket of plants for cover, so the troops were forced to eliminate the weedy threat.

"The challenge is that marijuana plants absorb energy and heat very readily. It's very difficult to penetrate with thermal devices ... and as a result you really have to be careful that the Taliban don't dodge in and out of those marijuana forests," General Rick Hillier said in a speech in Ottawa.

"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those (forests) did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action," Hiller said.

Hillier added that after the fight, a soldier said: "Sir, three years ago before I joined the army, I never thought I'd say 'That damn marijuana'."

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